You know when you have those feelings of total spiritual abandonment, where you feel that perhaps you have made the wrong choice to become a Wiccan and that your Gods don’t care?
That’s how I have felt for the last year. I’ve classified mysef as Wiccan for over twelve years and I felt that despite how much I prayed, despite how much I honoured them, they just weren’t listening.
Then last week my whole world was turned upside down and I lost the one thing that I have loved more than anything else on this planet; my beautiful feline friend, Rocky.
His death was very sudden and a shock to us all. He was thirteen years old, going on three years old. He acted more and more like a kitten everyday but his behaviour was disguising his medical condition; his lungs were filling with fluid. In the end he was struggling to breathe and my family and I took him to the emergency vet where he fought until the very end. In the end his heart gave in.
Despite his heart failing him, it never failed me. His heart was so full of love; he was the sweetest, most adorable cat that I’ve ever known. He was always there for me when I needed a cuddle. He just knew that I was sad and he would do everything he could to make me feel better (which included stealing my slippers from my bedroom and moving them around the house).
I don’t know whether Rocky was my familiar. We were incredibly close and losing him affected me a lot more than I let on. My heart hurts when I think of living in a world without him. It almost feels like I’ve lost a part of my soul.
This drastic change in my life could have gone one of two ways; I could have admitted defeat and destroyed my altar along with everything on it, or I could take some time to realign myself with the God and Goddess and seek comfort in their presence.
Thankfully I took the latter option.
Last night, after much deliberation, I began to clean my altar (and put my very dusty altar cloth in the wash). I moved things around and decorated it differently. The decoration had remained stagnant for nearly a year. As I cleaned my statues I could feel the warmth of the Goddess within me, her spirit singing to me as I placed everything in its rightful place, “Take your time. There is no need to rush yourself.”
As I finally sat down in front of my altar for the first time in a long time, I wrapped my hands around my crystal ball and closed my eyes. I asked for a sign. I asked for a sign that I was on the right path and that They were there for me.
It was a masculine energy I felt. It was the kind of feeling I had when my dad comes home from work when I haven’t seen him for a while.
It was the voice of the God.
He provided me with a reassuring energy and I felt that he was telling me to, “take every day as it comes” and “it’s okay to feel this way.” It was almost as though he was okay with me neglecting both him and Gaia for so long. I felt terrible, regardless, but after our little heart-to-heart I did feel better.
So far I have been on a very Goddess-centric path, although in the past I did honour the masculine energy of the world in my practice. My matron Goddess is the Earth Mother, Gaia. I have always known that.
I had never found a name to give the God. I knew he was very old, very wise, very wild. I have mentioned in a previous post that I felt a connection to both Dionysus and Hades which remains true and I admit the God that I prayed with yesterday felt like it could have been either of them.
It seems like a strange thing to say, given that Hades is such an apparently serious God and Dionysus is so liberated in comparison, but I get the feeling that in my practice the two Gods are one and the same. They exist in balance with one another; Dionysus providing a lighter side to the God of the Underworld.
I believed this to be the case for a while. What fascinates me, however, is that I am not alone in thinking this. The Greek philosopher Heraclites drew parallels between the two Gods, which only came to my attention just before I decided to write this up. He believed that wine moistened the soul and death (which I believe includes the affects that it has on the living) dried it out.
Perhaps in my practice the two have been working together, a kind of Yin-Yang, providing a balance of light and dark that is sacred to a Libra like me.
Their silence, and the silence of Gaia, have been required for me to fully appreciate their presence in my life. I needed to understand that despite everything that may hurt me, they will always be there to support me, regardless of whether I pray once a day or once a year. Losing the one thing that I have ever loved was what made me realise this.
Just because something doesn’t make itself known doesn’t mean it isn’t there. Just because you haven’t spoken to your best friend in a few weeks doesn’t mean they aren’t your friend any more. This is a fact that I needed to become aware of in order to come out of a spiritual blockage.
Now, despite the internal struggle that I am still working through after losing Rocky, I feel more comfortable with my spirituality than I ever have before. I am blessed that I finally have a connection with the God and he has given me his name, “Dionysus until the sun is at its peak and Hades as the sun wanes.”